By Robert Mann
Thank goodness Gov. Bobby Jindal and the Louisiana Legislature believe I have the sacred right to practice my faith without interference from the government. For a while, I thought I might have to decamp to Indiana or Arkansas to exercise my religion, but I’ve been assured that Louisiana’s lawmakers are just as vigilant about protecting my religious freedoms as other theocratic states.
As Jindal told the graduates at Liberty University in May 2014, “We have the right to practice our faith and protect our conscience no matter where we happen to be.” Jindal means it. He signed the “Preservation of Religious Freedom Act” in 2010. State Rep. Mike Johnson, R-Bossier City, doesn’t think that law is tough enough on gay people, so he may offer a stronger bill.
The 2010 law declares, “Government shall not substantially burden a person’s exercise of religion.” The law defines “burden” as anything that “constrains or inhibits conduct or expression mandated by a person’s sincerely held religious tenet or belief.”
This is awesome news for me because the only thing stopping me from quitting my day job and opening a bakery was my misguided belief that the Constitution compelled me to sell wedding cakes to gays and other people whose actions violate my religious convictions.
Now, you might be offended that I don’t believe gays should be entitled to wedding cakes. Sorry, haters, but my religion says it’s OK. Actually, the Bible is mostly silent on baking, although Leviticus 2 offers recipes for certain cakes and unleavened bread. In Leviticus 20:13, however, Moses is clear about gay people: “If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death.”
I admire Jindal’s devout religion as much as the next guy, but I do wonder when he’ll get serious about executing gay people. At the very least, can’t we give them life sentences?
You may have noticed I’m not one of those milquetoast believers. My religion isn’t limited to refusing wedding cakes to homosexuals. I’ve read all of Leviticus, so it delights me to know that Jindal and legislators will vigorously guard my right to follow God’s other commandments.
I’ll soon be lobbying for a bill to enshrine the rules of Leviticus 11 into law. Did you know most of the members of the Louisiana Restaurant Association are going to hell? Some of these godless restaurateurs serve rabbit, pork, shrimp and crabs.